Treat People As They Can Be & They'll What???

Copyright 2016 Dennis S. Vogel All rights reserved.
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During the last few years, I've prioritized family issues & left other things undone. It increased when somebody returned to cause more conflict.

Benefit Of A Doubt

Up to a point, it's good to want to believe the best about imperfect people. In some cases, maybe they made a mistake &/or we misunderstood them.

We're still apt to be vulnerable if we figure they didn't mean to hurt us. Yet, manipulators use vulnerability against us. They hurt us more.

When we're burned after giving a benefit of a doubt, we might doubt ourselves. Self-doubt leaves us open to more problems.

If we perceive enemies as friends, enemies will hurt us even if we don't realize it or refuse to believe.

If we overreact by perceiving friends as enemies, enemies win again. Enemies don't want us to have friends & allies.

Undermined By An Enemy - - & Myself?!

Years ago, I set a goal of posting at least one blog message per month. I was doing it until 2 months ago. I didn't post anything in February & March 2016.

I'm not asking for sympathy. Many people have expressed condolences about my parents having died.

It's another case of I could have, should have, would have, but I just didn't have enough presence of mind.

I was using my time & energy on my parents' issues & accepted what I thought was help.

Let That Be A Lesson To Me & You

I've been learning some lessons the hard way. I want to help you avoid or mitigate similar troubles.

If you notice anything like what I've described below, you should correct your situation as quickly as you can.

It's easy to be in denial, but in denial, we make ourselves even more vulnerable to trouble.

I've thought of the least offensive way to describe the circumstances (below) while still conveying some value.

Everything I've revealed about this problem below is already known by others.

I've shared private information only in private.

Part of my problem was sharing too much private information because I trusted the wrong person.

Those, who know the details, already realize what happened.

Admit Mistakes & Learn Lessons

We won't learn vital lessons if we deny our mistakes.

Though it's apt to hurt our pride, we need to acknowledge we were fooled.

As Doctor Phil MacGraw Ph.D & others tell us, we can't change what we don't/won't acknowledge.

We can't solve problems by refusing to acknowledge them.

What I've written below is an example of admitting more than just "Ok, so I made a mistake".

After acknowledging details, I can focus on what I should've done to avoid or mitigate being vulnerable to a manipulator.

Not Perfect Or Innocent

This message doesn't reveal any private details. The only highly personal & embarrassing details are about mistakes I've made.

I'm not claiming to be perfect or an innocent victim.

Blaming a victim is unjustified because nobody should victimize anybody.

We can change ourselves & our actions but we can't change victimizers.

By studying what was done, we might learn to avoid some victimizers by being aware of how we became vulnerable.

We can be safer, though we may never be totally safe from all trouble makers.

Was I A Willing Victim?

I was making excuses for somebody, who recently returned after years of an unexplained bitter absence.

Why did she pick this time to return? Did she just want to grab some money & other things? Or did she want more?

She helped for a little while, though she lives 20 miles away.

She helped to reduce the clutter my parents accumulated. She hauled away only what she wanted.

She added more problems than she removed.

I wanted to believe she was being helpful this time, but I wasn't cautious enough, so I trusted too easily.

By making excuses for her, I was also making excuses for why I trusted her despite my inner wisdom.

When People Reveal Their True Natures, Don't Try To Prove Them Wrong

Did I really believe she changed? Or did I only want to believe this new 'loyalty'?

Relatives warned me about this trouble maker - including my brother, who lives more than 900 miles away!

My brother "saw" the problem, why didn't I "see" it?
Because I didn't want it to be true.

I knew what the situation was.

I noticed the indications but I wanted to believe things aren't always what they seem.

She didn't help with legal, financial, hospice or death issues, she just wants to criticize me without knowing enough details.

Instead of helping, she's causing more trouble.

People reveal things about themselves, even if they try to avoid it.

Sometimes, people recognize liars & start to doubt lies.

Eventually, people's doubt decreases a liar's "credibility" until it's gone.

We often can't afford to wait for people recognize liars because by then, distrust & confusion increase.

That effect decreases or eliminates our effectiveness. It interferes with our ability to be productive.

Treat People As They Can Be & They'll What???

In this next quote from "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change", Stephen R. Covey expressed what's true about some people.

"Treat a man as he is & he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he can & should be & he will become as he can & should be.�

If somebody wants to hurt you, s/he will hurt you no matter how you treat her/him.

Anybody, who refuses to change, is immune to favorable treatment.

Without external incentives or internal reasons, people are unlikely to make positive changes.

Causing any kind of pain for another is a sadistic reward (incentive) for anybody who's crooked enough to enjoy hurting people.

Good & bad habits are established, eliminated or replaced by repeated actions or resisting current habits.

Lazy Critics Don't Improve Anything

I've often offered this "family" member the chance to be involved or take charge.

She has enough time & energy to criticize & complain to others, so how could she not have enough time & energy to do what's right?

To cause more conflict, she told my parents some exaggerations & total lies. They were dying (in hospice care) & she was causing them more stress & pain!

She tried to get them to distrust me though they didn't know whom else to trust. She refused to manage their affairs, so she didn't help them at all.

I had a hard time in diagnosing the problem because she wasn't trying to replace me. She just wanted to hurt us.

Sometimes we might notice a change, but have no idea what the change is or why it happened.

To protect ourselves & others involved, we need to get their help to find the problems & do our best to fix those problems.

Yet my parents couldn't help me or themselves enough. The trouble maker knew that was the case.
Destructive Criticism

I want constructive criticism (advice), but in this situation, there was only destructive criticism.

Supposedly, critics know how to do what's right, yet they refuse to do anything positive.

They spout destructive criticism because they have no intention to do anything worthwhile.

A few critics will push people to do the wrong things! If we'd do what these critics demand, we'd make things worse.

They'll claim we did things the wrong way or deny telling us what to do.

They often strike when we're distracted & exhausted.

It's hard to make decisions when we're exhausted & that's the worst time to make decisions, but we have responsibilities.

Responsibilities include making decisions.

Meddlers make our responsibilities even harder, though they won't admit it.

Why Are These Jerks Here? - What Are They Doing Now?

People can set us back, especially if we choose to not notice & stop them.

We might be disappointed or betrayed by doctors, lawyers or accountants.

We could be sabotaged by clients, employees, partners &/or other members of organizations.

We might contribute to their sabotage by trusting them &/or not disrupting their negative efforts.

We don't have to be paranoid, just observant. Pay attention to what people say about themselves & others.

Notice what people do. Statements & actions have contextual meanings whether somebody is joking, sarcastic or serious.

You might notice inconsistencies among their statements, actions & what they don't do.

Respect & loyalty should be earned. Courtesy should be automatic unless it'd obviously be wasted on somebody.

We should be perceptive enough to know what's affecting us but avoid being overly sensitive (easily hurt).

It may seem less troublesome to avoid confronting trouble makers. Trouble makers may want us to avoid confronting them.
Deal With Jerks & Still Do Our Best

We need to realistic about what we demand of ourselves & what we let people demand from us.

Even if we won't admit it, we might hurt ourselves by trying to do too much or what we're not ready to do.

People, who love us, might give us constructive criticism & advice. Even if we think they don't understand, we should realize they have perspectives we wouldn't have without their help.

People, who know us, will probably notice what we deny about ourselves & our other inconsistencies.

Authenticity reduces our inconsistencies. [Please read the "Authenticity Side Bar". The link is below the title & link of this message.]

Whatever your issues may be, other people might notice the issues (potential & actual problems).

People know things about us, even if we don't know or deny those things.

To learn about how people know things about us, you can do an Internet search for "Johari Window".

Copyright 2016 Dennis S. Vogel All rights reserved.
When you compete against big businesses with big budgets you need powerful marketing strategies & tactics. You'll find them here-
https://thriving-small-businesses.blogspot.com/
http://www.voy.com/31049/


Subject: Authenticity Side Bar
This side bar can help you, your staff & family. This insight can help you understand what bothers some people & why.

"Self Matters Creating Your Life From The Inside Out" by Phillip C. McGraw Ph.D. (aka Dr. Phil) Chapter 2.

Anybody, who isn't authentic, is very likely to be insecure. Insecurity can be like building without a foundation or faulty foundation.

A building like that can be moved or knocked over by a relatively weak force (wind or flood) that would have less effect on a sturdy building.

People, who are unauthentic, endure a lot of stress because they're insecure to some degree (consciously &/or subconsciously).

In effect, they're trying to be who & what they are not. Being a fake is being insecure.

People, who are unauthentic, may've been like that so long, it's familiar. It's familiar enough to feel natural.

Even a comfort zone can be stressful. Trying to maintain a false personality often requires more energy than being authentic.

Being inauthentic is a negative combination of suppressing the real personality/identity & propping up the false identity.

Insults & perceived rejection hurt them a lot because they don't have a solid self-esteem or sense of self.

Secure people don't use a substitute ego. This is how I define/describe a "substitute ego".

Some people, who have weak egos, use somebody or something outside of themselves.

Analogy: (It's corny, but has a good point.) A platypus (aka duckbill) could try socializing with ducks because it has bill & webbed feet plus lays eggs.

A platypus could try socializing with beavers because they're mammals with similar tails.

If a platypus could try to be a duck or beaver, it would be unauthentic & less apt to be accepted by ducks or beavers.

If somebody asked, "Hey platypus, what are you today? Maybe you're a turtle."

That insecure platypus would have a problem.

To feel better that insecure platypus might say, "You'll never swim in this water. It's best water in the world!"

Having a perceived connection to "best water in the world" would be the platypus's substitute ego. S/he would feel deeply insulted if anybody made a negative comment about that water.

A secure platypus would realize that jerk has a problem in an addition to being a problem.

Copyright 2016 Dennis S. Vogel All rights reserved.
When you compete against big businesses with big budgets you need powerful marketing strategies & tactics. You'll find them here-
https://thriving-small-businesses.blogspot.com/
http://www.voy.com/31049/